A New Year's Surprise

(A huge thank you to my friend, Chris, for the beautiful photo shoot.)

I don't even know where to begin.  I'm so overwhelmed with a mix of emotions right now.

For the past month or so, I've been struggling with stomach issues again.  I explained it away with one reason after another, but when I threw up on the second day of the new year, I just knew.  I pulled out a pregnancy test and within seconds that one very dark line showed up.  I sat there staring at it, still somehow in shock, and walked out of the bathroom in a daze.

I held it out for Ted to see and he looked at me with a huge smile and pulled me close for a hug.  The kids were getting ready for bed, but not much gets past them.  They demanded to know what was going on and the next thing I knew there was a dance party in the middle of our living room with lyrics that went something like this: "We're gonna have a new baby! We're gonna have a new baby!"

I looked over to Ted once more and whispered, "I'm excited, but also a little scared".  He didn't need to say anything at all, because we both knew that pregnancy after a loss wouldn't be easy.  But then I remembered the word God had already shown me for the year and I knew He was preparing me for this very moment.  I had a decision to make right then and it's a decision I will continue to make throughout this pregnancy: I am not going to live in fear anymore.

Losing our baby Hope broke me and it's something I can't ever forget or get over.  While we are overjoyed at this new little life, there is still a mix of grief because our family will never really be complete this side of heaven.  This month I should be looking forward to the big 20 week ultrasound, but instead my body is just starting a new journey as a new little life is once again carefully knit together in my womb.  It's such a strange place to be in.

It would be so easy for me to fall into anxiety and panic attacks over the what ifs and unknowns when our loss is still so fresh, but I am sick of fighting a fight that's already been won.  God promises victory over every stronghold that weighs me down because He already won the victory on the cross.  He is never surprised by the things that sweep us off our feet and He never leaves or forsakes us no matter how big the storm.    I don't know what the future holds, but He does and I'm going to rest in the peace that is only found in Him.

Pregnancy is hard enough for me without adding in fear and anxiety.  I struggle with severe morning sickness, which is not something most people understand.  A good day for me, almost to the third trimester, is when I only throw up once or twice.  Really bad days mean I can barely get out of bed, because I'm so weak and exhausted from throwing up all day long.  On those days, I can barely eat toast or consume even a glass of water.  And before you ask, yes, I've tried every remedy there is.  During my pregnancy with Ollie, my doctor even put me on Zofran, which really just meant I only threw up once a day.  I lost at least 10 pounds before I finally started gaining weight near the end of the second trimester. 

I don't want to complain, because I would have gladly taken months of this just to have our baby Hope in my arms...but it doesn't make the day to day easier.  We're stocking up on easy meals like mac & cheese and frozen pizzas and I'm taking advantage of every second of nap time. The fact that my oldest two are fairly independent is a huge help, because they are really good at keeping their little brother occupied while I lay on the couch most of the day.  Pregnancy reminds me just how much of a blessing it is to be a stay at home mom, because I don't know how I'd manage this if I still had to work outside the home.  I'm also filled with a fresh gratitude for the wonderful husband God has given me, because when I'm this sick he comes home after a long day of work and takes care of all the household duties I usually manage on my own...and even lets me crawl in bed before the kids are asleep.

I'm also grateful for a very supportive OB doctor.  At my follow up appointment for the miscarriage, she sat and talked with me for nearly an hour and even prepared me for some of the mix of emotions I could expect with another pregnancy after loss.  Last week Wednesday I had my HCG and progesterone levels tested, mostly just to ease my mind, and I can't tell you what a relief it was to hear over the phone that my levels looked great and were just where they should be. 

Today, I had an ultrasound to find out how far along I am and to sneak a peak at our baby.  I cannot put into enough words what it felt like to see our beautiful little baby, with heart beating strong, show up immediately on that ultrasound screen.  I nearly cried tears of joy, because that moment just made this pregnancy feel that much more real and exciting. 

I've thought about keeping this a secret for longer, but then I realized the only reason to keep it a secret would be fear.  No matter what the future holds, this is a new life to be celebrated and loved and prayed for.  So, without further ado, here is our little new year's surprise, due to arrive sometime around August 17: