Her Name Shall Be...

A week or so before my 20 week ultrasound for our rainbow baby, a high school friend of mine shared with me on facebook that she had a dream about our baby.  She dreamt we were having a girl and we named her Faith.  She said, "I thought it was so fitting...Having faith in The Lord to provide you with what you can handle, in your body, to grow and nurture another new life, and in your family and friends to support you on your rainbow baby journey." 

I couldn't stop thinking about her dream and when we found out that this littlest one is a girl, the name idea just wouldn't go away.  I mentioned the dream to Ted and we both agreed - it was no coincidence.

Not too long after the ultrasound, I attended a ladies' retreat hosted by my friend Amanda's church.  The theme verses were from Romans 12.  When we came to verse 12, I was nearly in tears.  It was one of the few moments where God has spoken to me so clearly through His word.

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

Romans 12:12 (NIV)

When we lost our baby Hope, joy was the furthest thing from my mind.  How do you find or choose joy in the middle of one of the hardest storms?  The answer came to me as I sat in an exam room of an urgent care far from home, alone...but not alone.  Even as the darkness of grief set in, I still felt His presence surrounding me and I still believed He is good.  When I walked out to the van where my husband sat quietly waiting with a sleeping toddler and the tears fell hard and deep, I knew He wasn't about to abandon us and that, even though we didn't understand, He is still faithful.  

We named our baby Hope to remind us of the hope we have in Him and it's in that hope that we can choose joy, even when it doesn't make sense.  And it was in holding on to hope and pressing into Him that we have learned to be patient in affliction.  Through every storm we've faced, God has never forsaken us and we know that in all things, even the most painful and hard to understand moments, He will one day reveal how He has worked all things together for good.  

As I read the last part of Romans 12:12 over and over again, I thought of all the prayers we have lifted heavenward through the years, from prayers whispered as we sat waiting and wondering if our firstborn would ever come home healthy to prayers wept as my body bled and broke over the tiniest babe gone far too soon from my womb.  We haven't always gotten an answer to our prayers and sometimes our prayers don't even have words - they are simply filled with moaning and weeping as we lay our burdens at his feet.  But still we've remained faithful to come before Him, knowing that He hears and He understands far more than we do.  

Today, as our littlest one, our rainbow after the storm, is stretching and growing in my womb, I'm reminded that even though our story hasn't always been easy or pretty, there is still beauty in the broken and in the God who makes all things new.  Because faith comes not from seeing or getting all the answers, but from "confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see".  So, as we wait for our rainbow baby, our Faith, to arrive safely into our arms, we still hold onto hope and always cling to faith in the One who knows and understands all our yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows. 

* photo credits: Alissa Lapp of Picture Perfect Photography